In this draft of my essay, there were many places where I was very vague and I was going in circles with what I was trying to say. In doing this, I feel that I confused the reader more. Therefore, I cleaned most of the essay and made my focus narrower than before. I discovered I use the word “this” a lot in my essays and expect the audience to know what I am talking about, which is not good. I went back to all the places I said “this” and wrote exactly what this was to ensure the reader would follow as I was discussing the important topics.
Professor Simrill also suggested that I talk more about Tom Forsythe’s photographs, so I inserted two different photographs from his series and discussed my view of what he was trying to say. I feel like this justifies my point I am attempting to make through my writing. I also took out a bit of information from the essay that was irrelevant to the topic and was simply taking up space that could be used in better ways.
I also changed the bottom paragraph around to make the focus not only about women, but also about men. This is because the subject of matter refers to both men and women, so I should have included men to begin with.
I feel that with these editions and other minor additions, I improved my essay by a landslide. I also revised my second essay the same way. I feel that both of them have improved tremendously since their first draft because I really needed to get a major point across in a small amount of words to get the idea out quickly.